And the BEAT goes on

humph.. this cold is getting whatever's left of me. it placed me indoors for two days straight which leads me to having cabin fever. I WANT TO GET OUT! as charlie brown would say, "UUUUGHHHHH!!" staying home gives me time to actually think. emi & thinking too long DEFINITELY doesn't mix even though i do it quite too often. heck, girls in general & thinking a lot make a VERY BAD mix. but whatever. that's a girl for you.

things have been getting slightly better. they have been trying. it's the effort that counts, right? it's not the amount of time spent together. it's how it's spent. it's not quantity. it's QUALITY. in due time, the overall quality will be better than the quantity. i'd rather not see a person for a month and have the best time ever when we do meet at the eye than to see a person every single day and have a not so good time every other time i see them... in due time. (damn, she's right. i am too compassionate and patient. but isn't that a good thing?? it's not like i'm letting them walk all over me.. am i?)

i expect a lot out of people and out of myself. i need to find some middle ground. where is it?

today was refreshing. i need more days like this. i need more days to just get out and not worry about a problem in the world, actually in MY world. but if you really know me, it's hard for me to let things go. even on days like today where im able to go out and not think about my issues, i wind up in my room with my issues being tossed in the back of my memory. with all honesty, i feel like i've been jipped of something that's really important to me. as much as i do try to understand with given the circumstances, i've always thought that things would turn out a certain way. call me stubborn if you wish, but i think how i feel is common sense to anyone placed in my position. no one wants to feel like its a one way street in a friendship/relationship, right? slap me if i'm wrong. if i were truly going to reciprocate how they treat me, there would be some dissappointments. there's only two people whom i can think of that wouldn't change even if i reciporcated 100%. They've been there through ALL of my cry fests and my anger periods. They've seen all sides of me: the good, the bad, and the "get even" (aka the ugly). They were easy to get in contact with when life was too much to handle on my own. Then, there were the people that gave our friendship an "eh" effort. I gave more to them than they gave to me. Believe me, this category is the biggest one. i guess these are the people whom i thought would be there, but were only humoring me like it was some obligation. and because of some stupid circumstances, that's all i think we will ever be. i hope everyday that one day, they'd come to the realization that what they're doing HURTS. i know it's cruel to wish for bad things, but i hope they feel how it is to be in my shoes.

Maybe i should just cut off all means of communications. maybe i should just dissappear. i doubt the world will notice. how many times do i have to start my life over before i become COMPLETELY content? ugh. That's not possible. LIFE isn't always as easy as 123.

Maybe they just don't understand how i feel and how i grew up. Maybe if they just took the time to know me better, they would know why i have certain feelings towards certain issues... especially when issues involve people's feelings as well as their oh-so-fragile hearts. Maybe i would be happy if i just stuck with the two people that's been there for me the most. They understand me, accept why i feel the way i do about stuff, and compromise with it. They also make me feel like our friendship isn't an obligation.

i'm glad i got to spend this refreshing day with a friend like her. she's been there more than anyone. she's the least selfish person i know. she really brought my spirits up with the gifts she showered me with today. She gave me my christmas present (which by the way was the most BEAUTIFUL and HEARTFELT thing that was ever given to me, esp. since we've gone to seperate colleges) and souvenirs from her trips around the world (a shot glass made for sake (sah-keh) and a sarong with goofy on it). It's never a dull moment with her. We went to DT Disney, ate at the ESPN Zone, and rented "Down with Love". It has to be said again: Ewan Mcgregor has the SEXIEST singing voice ever. we both agreed on that. ;)