And the BEAT goes on

repeat of the night before can i just sleep without crying? i mean seriously. you didn't have to yell at me. neither point fingers. u always compare me to someone i'm not. watch my words? no, u watch what you're saying. words hurt more than an attitude. don't u understand? im just a teenage girl trying to balance my life evenly. why does it that when one thing tips over.. the whole scale does? bah. don't u see that you're words hurt me? when u'r in a bad mood, i'm in a bad mood. i can't say anything up lifting.. i'm sorry i'm not what you expected. i'm sorry u miss the person i was before.. but the more u compare me to something i'm not, the more it hurts me to show how much i really care. u paste an image on me and u can't see through it cuz you're too busy analyzing and reading between the lines. for once, just take my words for what they mean.. not what they indirectly mean. don't turn everything around on me. i never won an argument once against you.. so just this once.. comfort me.. i'm just a kid. like you said. yes, i'm childish.. but what can i do about it? i haven't gone through the experiences you did.. i haven't ran through the obstacles of life. so don't go rolling your eyes when i'm stressing over something that was probably a stupid misunderstanding. u've been there before, so u should know. y laugh at me when u knew how much it hurt? how much a naive girl as myself would deal with such heavy situations. i know that u probably hurt more than i did the past few days, but don't take it out on me cuz i have my crap to deal with. don't threaten me with those words. you know just as much as i do that you can't really do something like that cuz it's just not you. but last night, you sounded so real. i thought i heard a bag zip up.. i thought i heard the front door open and close. but i think what stopped you was the sound of me muffling my tears into my pillow.. then when i woke up today.. u actually said "sorry." you don't know how long i've been waiting to hear those words. an actual sincere "sorry" that felt so relieving. an embrace that felt so real. then tears of joy bursted out... you know.. life is not so bad after all.

shut up couldn't sleep last night. it was hard not to think about the past day. fell asleep on a wet pillow. woke up with a salty face. thought that today would be a better day. i was just fooling myself. shut up. i hear you yelling. shut up. i don't want to know where the hell u were cuz quite frankly, i'm pissed. i can't believe u'd do something like that. do u even ask how i feel? no. do u even have the slightest hint that it bothered me? if you did, u sure didn't show that you cared. and when u did ask, it's only cuz u felt obligated to. u only care about your image, your happiness. and did u ever think how it would effect me? no. you're just so full of it, you big hypocrite. do u know how many tears i shedded for you? no. you have no idea. don't get mad at me. get mad at yourself. if u don't know what u did wrong, just think of what u JUST did, what u JUST said, and what JUST happened. shut up! how can you be so dense?!

every year around this time it just happens to be a bad week. I don't get why.. i don't understand why i feel this way, but it happens every year. I experience a bad week before my birthday. and to think, it's only monday. i'm just gonna hope that tomorrow will be better.. cuz today sucked. i can't honestly say that what happened today won't be on my mind tomorrow, but i can say that imma try to make my day a little more cheerful. it's no fun knowing that this is the point where i'm suppose to "let go." tomorrow will be officially "lonely day #1". ack, and with everything that went on today, it doesn't help "letting go" all that easy. it's like when i need people the most, they just walk out. why?? ugh.. instead of me getting hurt, i turn it around and act cold hearted...

so what now? "it hurts me to know that you think it's ok to do that to me." today has been.. BLAH.. i'm sorry for not being so perky or happy today. it's just not a good day. I didn't really feel like talking about it because people were home.. and if i started talking about it, i would have gotten myself all worked up for nothing.. as usual. the above quote only seemed fitting to sum up my day. everything today ended with that same feeling.