And the BEAT goes on

i feel all better inside.. but i'm not soo sure about the outside. well u know wut they say, it's the inside that counts. ;)
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went out today with s-lar (hahah marissa) and watched the matrix today. not bad. it was better than the second. but nothing beats the first. i kinda forgot wut happened in the second one anyways.. damn. was it THAT bad? then we TRIED doing our hw... but got destracted and watched "Finding Nemo". i never saw the beginning cuz i was late to the movie. i was suppose to meet my parents and my sister there but i ended up being a little late because i was dropping off s-lar. hahah. so how many problems did i get through on my math hw? 1 out of 28. =/
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movies to watch: elf, Looney Tunes, Paycheck, Return of the King, and that other one... umm.. the one with brad pitt and orlando bloom.. two of the hottest guys to watch on the movie screen. haha jk
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i saw jonie ariana today! omg she's getting SO big! she actually let me carry her! she clung to me like i was her mommy. haha. my mom saw and said, "Can you get me a granddaughter soon?" sure mom. keep thinking that. i'm on a 7-10 year plan, remember? i'm not ready to be a mom. besides, how do u know u're ready? being finacially stable is just the half of it.. how about all the emotional baggage that comes with it? anywho, she definitely looks like shanel and jason. she's soo cute!

i have a lot of mixed feelings in me right now. yesterday was a WEIRD day. it started off as a bad morning. i was treated and thrown aside like was a peice of worthless shit. no matter how much i tried to rationalize the actions done to me, it all came down to the same reason: no matter how much trouble a person gets into, a person should stand up for a person that was treated like they're not suppose to be living. i felt like i wasn't worth being fought for. so if no one does it, i will. i'll stand up for myself and make sure they get a piece of my mind. it ruined my own image of myself, that just because i am the way i am, it's not accepted as a human being. im tired of being treated like trash. i'm going to speak up if no one will. the more it's put off, the more i'm willing to just say something. no one has the right to treat another person that way. it's uncalled for. what did i ever do to that person? believe me, i'm an understanding person, and i've understood every action made, but it's not acceptable. how who u feel if u were being criticized for not being a certain way? or being criticized for something u can't help being but your just are because that's what i was born into. i'm not going to just sit around and be spat at. if nothing happens, i'll make something happen. i'm not kidding. maybe i'll be saving a lot of future discriminations that way. i know i'm risking a lot to the point where i'll be taken out of the picture, but it's a risk i have to take so that no one else has to go through it. thanks to the people who tried to cheer me up. it really helped.
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then after that, my family and i went to Barona, an indian reservation in san diego. i got to gamble for the first time. i didn't know wut to do, so i asked my mom to watch me. i lost 15 but it lasted me for quite a long time. it was free 15 dollars too! so that's how it feels like to sit at the slots. i tried to have a better time, but i couldn't even eat in the buffet. i only ate one plate that had small servings. it's not normal for me to go through one plate at a good buffet. i didn't even eat the crab.. and my family knew how much i loved crab. bah.. wutever.. at least i had SOME fun losing my free 15 dollars.

ah ha! i found time to blog.. or more like the energy to blog.. yeah, as my loyal readers should know, i'm NEVER too busy. i just SOUND busy. anywho, so friday.. yeah. halloween... wut can i say? i had fun trick or treating with my sister at the tc and at the mall. and playing with trinity. but then, the reel of broken promises started to play again. it just keeps on playing over and over again. i mean, don't just go around, raising my hopes when it's just going to be postponed for YET ANOTHER year. but yeah, i can't really express the anger i felt that day cuz i'm not angry right now. but i eventually started to get more mad after realizing that i'm treated differently. It's like they think "oh. emierald doesn't mind being ignored." but they don't realize HOW OFTEN they act that way. then i got even MORE mad because there was NO way i could express my anger. i already had too many supressed feelings that i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't stomp, i couldn't jump really hard.. i couldn't GO OUT to drive... i couldn't do anything.. so i surrendered to sitting still. and u know, when a girl's mad, and she can't do anything, sitting still forces her to cry. i even tried tensing up and releasing... but it didn't work. i don't remember the last time i was THIS mad. i guess it's cuz i was sick and tired of the empty promises. "you'll have more time to do that when you're older." psh. wut kinda of statement is that? by the time i get older, i'll be too old to do the kind of stuff i'd want to do. i'll be too busy. i'll be too consumed in my work.
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ok, saturday was my dad's, mona's, and jen's bday. happy bday to all! we took my dad out to black angus. while waiting for our table, my mom wanted a shirley temple, so she gave me money and sent me to the bar. funny thing is, they didn't card me and offered me to add vodka in my shirley temple. i just said, "haha. no thanks. not this time." do i really look that old? or did they just assumed that since i stood there like i've been to a bar, he thought i was "of age". now i know where to get my drinks at. ;) haha jk. like imma need that anytime soon. after black angus, solar & i stopped by mona's bday dinner at BJs. aww it was so good seeing them again. ;)
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another weird connection to someone in my dance class is through another girl named cathy who went to gahr. i think the other cathy (the one with the bf that has the same class as solar) is actually spelled kathy.. but wutever. so cathy from gahr is the girlfriend of my old buddy, Brian Paraiso. We grew up together in Fatima! haha she was suppose to go to james's going away party but couldn't cuz she had something else to do. weird! a really SMALL WORLD!
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today i went to visit solar and my cousin. ;) i had fun! i'm glad that i was able to drive out there to see people i love. ;) i finally met my cousin's bf! haha. he's kool. it was really fun reminiscing about how stupid we were.. "Kuya, did u know that Las Vegas isn't in California? I didn't know that!" hahahahaha dang. i miss hanging out with my cousins!

BLARGH!! this friggin' site erased my WHOLE entry... grrr hisssss.. imma just do it later.. if i remember.. :( ok... note to self: friday - happy then mad then cry. saturday - birthdays, bar, not carded, old friends. misc. - sleep, weekends, back in the day.